Early August Update

I guess I can only be good at consistently posting to one of the blogs and lately I've been so good about posting every single Wednesday on Beautiful Basics and about once a month (or less) on The Sick Life. I do, however, have some things to update you on so let's get started!

My Dad has been in and out of the hospital lately and it's been tough on all of us. He's actually in the hospital right now and was in the ICU a couple of weeks ago. He hasn't been doing well. His cancer is still in remission but he's been struggling with a lot of other health issues. He also has Giant Cell Arteritis, and he's been being treated for it since November but the treatment was making him worse in a lot of ways so we've been trying some other things. He also has a severe B12 deficiency, but not the kind that popping a vitamin can fix. It actually looks a lot like dementia, and it's terrifying. He's been getting infusions for that but he's still very low. He's been having heart problems and breathing issues, as well. It's been rough but hopefully we'll get some answers from his care team this time around since they're not planning on releasing him without knowing what's causing all of this.

As for me, I've been struggling too. You'll be proud to know that I'm actually taking the steps to see my new doctor and will hopefully be getting in soon and starting a new treatment plan. I told you that I'd do it by the end of summer and I'm doing it! I'm still terrified but I'm working on it.

Speaking of working on things... I'm trying to be in control of my anxiety, more so than I have ever tried before. I'm focusing on bettering myself and the way I handle my stress and panic and I think I'm doing a fairly good job. I had a pretty bad panic attack in a restaurant earlier this week, and it carried over to the next day, but besides that, I think I'm getting somewhere and I'm happy with it. I've been organizing a lot, which is a great stress reliever for me. I've always been trying to change how I see things and I think it's working well.

Even though things have been leaning towards the difficult side of the life spectrum I've still been trying to make the most out of this summer. My Mom and I have been spending lots and lots of time in the pool. We've been kayaking a few times. Oh, and remember the new kayak I got for my birthday? I love it so much! It's awesome! I've spent some time reading, which I love. I'm totally on a Stephen King kick. I've always loved him but I'm getting more into him than ever before.

It's been a hard summer but like I always say, life is what you choose to make it and I'm choosing to make it happy and peaceful and calm. We may not all be healthy but my family and I are together, we have a wonderful home, the cutest cat and dog and the opportunity to take every single day that comes our way and make it a good one. I'm really feeling positive and hopeful, even if I don't feel very good. Life is good, anyway.

Okay, that's it for now. I want to post more and I promise I'll make an effort. I think I need to talk more about my anxiety and how bad it got for a while and go into more detail about how I'm trying. Oh, and my heart needs another write up because it's been having a lot of issues lately. I've also been fainting here and there. Fun, right? Anyway, see you then.

Update

Often on the internet, we share the best things we have going on in our lives but we never share the real issues and the difficulties we're experiencing in the real world. That’s part of the reason I created The Sick Life. Life is beautiful but it’s never perfect and we should never think that someone else has a flawless and glamorous life full of sunshine and rainbows because that’s what they choose to show us on social media. Life is also messy, and it can be tough sometimes.

Things have been very difficult for me, and my family, recently. I haven’t posted much because I didn’t want to pretend that things were going well. I’m not going to go into too much detail right now but my Dad hasn’t been doing well and it’s been really hard on all of us. He’s on the mend now, though, and things are slowly but surely getting back to normal. One of the hardest things in life is to watch a family member struggle. I was so afraid, for so long. I guess I still am because I know one day I’ll have to say goodbye and my heart already hurts so much thinking about that, but one day is not today and hopefully not tomorrow. He’s doing better now and I’m going to make the most out of the time we have now. All we can do is love, and love is what I’m doing.

As for me, I’ve also been struggling. I have never been in as much pain as I have been this last week. I’m still in it, unfortunately. Every day I expect to wake up feeling better but that hasn’t been the case as of yet. I’m very scared of becoming dependent so I try not to take them very often, even when the pain is severe, but I’ve been taking multiple pills every day. I’ve never experienced this amount of pain before and I hope I won’t have to again.

I was in the shower a few days ago and it struck me so hard all at once that I doubled over and had to curl up in a ball on the shower floor. I couldn’t move and I had to call my Mom for help. It just happened again only not in the shower this time. It’s been so constant for several days and I just don’t understand what it is. I think one of the most difficult things with chronic illness and pain is that I don’t know what pain means I should go to the hospital. I just don’t know what pains mean I should go and which ones mean I should just deal with it at home. You know what I mean? I’m always in pain, granted this one is worse than normal, but what do I do?

My Dad is getting better so hopefully, I will too. I'm hoping everything will be perfectly normal by this time next week.

Anyway, that's it for now. Have a great weekend! 

What to do with Beautiful Basics?

I’m feeling sort of unhappy with Beautiful Basics and I wanted to talk about here, on The Sick Life, before I made any big decisions or changes. Blogging about natural beauty has been a saving grace for me other the past 6 years and 2 months. I can’t believe how much time has gone by and how much my little blog has grown in that time. I’ve truly enjoyed creating for Beautiful Basics even though there have been some highs and lows but I’m not enjoying it right now.

As I have become more and more ill my sensitivity to smell (not just chemical or artificial fragrance, it’s ANY smell - including essential oils) has gotten more prominent. I’ve also developed a lot of skin sensitivities so a lot of the time when I’m sent skincare products to try my skin freaks out and gets really sore, red, irritated and inflamed. I usually have to spend weeks trying to get my skin back to normal. I’m at the point where I just need to step away from trying new skincare. And body products, and hair products, and anything that comes in contact with my skin at all. Or anything, really, that has any kind of scent.

So that leaves the question of what becomes of Beautiful Basics and this is where I want your advice. Do I turn Beautiful Basics into a natural makeup blog? Or, should I become a cruelty-free beauty blog? The second option is where I’m leaning. There are so many brands who are cruelty-free with products made of pretty good ingredients that don’t qualify as “natural” or “green”. I’ve slowly been transitioning into more brands found at Sephora and maybe that’s the kind of stuff I should start focusing on. Of course, I won’t use products with parabens or anything totally scary and/or toxic but cruelty-free is what matters most to me these days.

I’m kind of at a crossroads and I’m not really sure where to go from here. What I do know, however, is that I’m not really happy with the whole situation now but I don’t really want to quit. Would you stay with me if I transition to being a cruelty-free beauty blog with a focus on cosmetics instead of a natural beauty blog?

My .

I can’t believe I’ve never talked about my period on The Sick Life before. Well, maybe I can because for some reason although half the population of the planet gets a period it’s something that is taboo to talk about. Isn’t that weird? It’s a totally normal thing and yet it’s not something we can freely, or comfortably, talk about.

Anyway, I think it’s an important topic because how do we know what’s normal and what’s not if we never share these things. I know my period isn’t normal. It’s not easy. It’s extremely painful.

I started having my period when I was 14 and it wasn’t easy then but it’s definitely gotten more difficult with age. My period isn’t regular so I never know exactly when it will be arriving but once it does my body goes to war and I am taken out of the game for a couple of days because I am usually in so much pain I can’t even stand upright.

This month my period was actually the most painful it’s ever been. I spent an entire day curled up in a tiny little ball on the couch in the living room. Painkillers didn’t help and nothing seemed to ease the terrible pain I was experiencing. When I tried to get up and go into the dining room for dinner I was doubled over in excruciating pain. It hurt so much I lost control of my body and went into the rigors (uncontrollable shivering/shaking) and cried and cried and cried.

My period is also quite heavy in the first few days and I have abnormal clotting. Sorry if that’s TMI. It makes it really hard to function normally for about 5 to 6 days. I need lots of warm, salty baths and a heating pad strapped to my body at all times. I’ve found that drinking more water than I normally do (and I’m a big believer in drinking a lot of water, regularly) helps a lot but it only helps the flow and not the pain.

Well, there we go. That’s our slightly TMI topic of the day. Do you have an abnormal or painful period, as well? 

Goals for the Next Chapter of my Life

I’m 30. I can’t believe it! I don’t feel old, or anything, but I’m so happy to be continuing on the journey called life in a new decade. I never really thought I’d make it here so the fact that I am officially 30 years old is something I’m really proud of. Maybe it’s silly to be proud of turning another year older but I really do feel like it’s an accomplishment because it’s something so many people never get lucky enough to do. It’s an honor and a gift that I am looking forward to using as fully as I can.

Even though I’m happy with who I am as a person I believe we’re all works in progress and we can always try harder and learn more. I have some things that I’d like to conquer in an effort to make myself the best that I can be so I thought I would share those things with you all today.

This year I plan on spending as much time as I possibly can with the people I love. I want to make the most of the time that we have and dedicate myself fully to being with them and truly hearing and listening to them. I want to ask as many questions as I can and get as many answers as I can. I do spend a lot of time with them and I already have so many wonderful memories but I need more. We all need more time with the people we love.

This year I hope to be more patient. It’s something I’m constantly trying to work on because I have a terrible tendency of becoming impatient; especially with the people I love most. Life is short as is our time here so I want to spend that time being as kind, generous, open and patient as I possibly can be. There’s no need to have a short temper but there is a need to be tolerant and understanding.

This year I hope to have better control of my anxiety. Anxiety is not my friend. It’s not something I have a good grip on and I don’t really know how I’m going to go about learning to control it but I vow to try my hardest to learn coping techniques and ways to understand it better.

This year I want to refine my sleeping habits and develop a healthy routine. I want to sleep better, not necessarily more. I want to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. I want to create a plan and stick it because I think it will help me be better in both mind and body.

I want acceptance. I want to accept who I am completely and accept my abilities. I don’t want to feel guilt for what I can and cannot do. I want to know that I am deserving and I want to be content. I have an awful habit of feeling guilt for things that I am lucky enough to have, when others have less, and of feeling guilt for not being able to do more, when I feel like I should be doing more. I am enough.

I want to stop being so wasteful. I want to use up the products I already have, wear the clothes already hanging in my closet, eat the food in the fridge and just shop less and spend less money. I have so much already. I don’t need more. Maybe this will be the year of actually completing a no-buy! I want to spend my money of experiences rather than things.

I want to write about my day to day in more detail in my planner. I use my planner to remember things so I want to use it more like a diary than a place where I can list the things I did. I want to talk about feelings and experiences in so much more descriptive language so I can truly remember each little things.

I want to spend more time outdoors and less time on the computer. This one is simple so we’ll leave it at that.

I hope to love more, laugh more, create more, and just live more in this upcoming year of my life and throughout the rest of my time, as well. I control my situation and my life and I want to have some fun and make some happy memories. Here’s to 30 and what this year will bring my way!

My 30th Birthday

I was 22 when I got sick and turning 30 seemed like something that was so far away and also unattainable, but here I am! I made it! I am now officially 30! Well, 30 years and 4 days to precise.

I can’t even begin to describe how wonderful my birthday was! It was the best day! My Mom took the day off of work so all of us were home and together, which was special in and of itself, and my wonderful family spent the day spoiling me. I mean absolutely spoiling me!

Everything was totally perfect. The decorations, which were all about cats/mixed metals/my favorite colors, the food and the beyond thoughtful gifts were all so perfect. I didn’t get sad this year like I have in the past, which I’ve talking about in previous birthday posts, and had a really awesome day.

I did end up crying at one point, however, because I was so overwhelmed with how generous my parents were. They always are with gifts but this year they went above and beyond anything I could have ever expected. They went nuts, but I’m so grateful. I said it above but I mean it, they really spoiled me! They got me a beautiful new kayak, in addition to gorgeous pieces of jewelry and beauty products and books and so much fun stuff, that I can’t wait to be able to use once it gets warmer.

As you might remember we took up kayaking last year and I was having trouble with mine so this is a really great upgrade!

Here are a few pictures from the day but I'm a weirdo and even though I blog about my life I typically like to keep birthdays and Christmas to myself because they’re such personal and special days. Anyway, this was just a little update written mostly as a thank you to my wonderful and incredible parents. And thank you to all of you who wished me a happy birthday! I appreciate the birthday wishes and I'm looking forward to the year ahead of me. I'll write a post about what I hope to accomplish in my 30th year soon so I'll see you then!

Age and Gratitude

People react so strangely to aging. There is nothing more natural than getting older with each passing day and so many of us don’t get to do it as long as we would like but there’s still a very bizarre stigma around the aging process and I just don’t understand it.

You always hear those women joking about how they’ve been 21 for the past 8 years or someone refusing to state their age aloud, but why is that? What could possibly be embarrassing about being able to grow older?

When you’re younger time seems to go pretty slowly and each birthday that arrives is such a special and exciting day but sometime between then and now birthdays become something to dread because how in the world could you possibly want to celebrate another year?

I’ve never understood it and maybe that’s because I never thought I would live to be (almost) 30. I was 22 when I got sick and each year since has truly been a gift, something I never thought I would get. With each year that passes I am reminded how lucky I am to still be here. It is an honor to be as old as I am.

When I turn 30 on the 10^th of April I will be full of joy and full of pride. Each silver strand I find atop my head is so beautiful and is such a special reminded of the past 30 years. Each smile line, every fine line and happy little crinkle around my eyes is a happy reminder about the life I’ve led to this point. Each day I’m alive is a blessing. I will always be grateful for whatever age I am.

I’ve had people say things like, “Oh, you’re turning 30? How are you doing? It’s scary to turn 30.” But I don’t feel scared or sad or upset that I’m not longer in my 20s. My 30s are going to be a brand new decade of my life to live and experience as many things as possible. It will be a brand new chapter of my life in which I can make memories and live each day with a heart full of love and optimism. I will get to spend time with the ones I love and be as happy as I possibly can be. Of course, I fully understand that there will be rough days but I know the good times will outweigh the bad, just like the have for the past 30 years, but I’ll hopefully have a decade of love and light to keep close to my heart.

Not everyone gets to age so I will be respectful of each and every second I am given. I promise to try to make the most out of it. I promise to love with every ounce of my being. I promise to smile as often as I possibly can. I promise to always remember how lucky I am. I don’t want to be on my deathbed, whenever that be whether it’s a year from now or 50, looking back and wishing I had lived more. I will do whatever live I am capable of and I will be overjoyed to do so.

I implore you all to respect your time, too. Be proud of whatever age you are now and mindful of all of the time behind and before you. We are so lucky. 

Just a Thought

If you woke up today knowing that it would be the last day you had on this earth would you suddenly be full of panic and regret or would the life you lived have been enough? Okay, you’re probably not going to die today but you will die one day. The people you love will also die. This is a reminder that life is short. Our time is so fleeting.

Did you see enough? Did you do enough? Did you love enough? Did you get loved enough? Was it enough, or was it not enough? It probably isn’t ever really, truly enough but we have to make it be enough so our hearts can be full and we can live out our days as content as possible.

We can’t change the world, nor can we change other people. We can only change ourselves. We only have control over how we feel inside, so we have to make every single day count and make every second be enough. It might not always seem like it but you're in control. You hold the power. You have the ability to make your life what you want it to be.

Make your life enough.

Q+A #1

I recently asked on Facebook if you had wanted to know about me/my illness and I got this:
I'd like to know how have you accepted your condition at such a young age? Do you believe in god? How have you spiritually evolved over the years with your illness? I'd like to know how you feel when your friends get married/babies & you are ill? I'd like to know more about your spiritual journey.

I think what I’m going to say first might sound a little odd but when it comes with accepting being ill, especially when I was so young, I didn’t have a choice. I could have been angry, upset, sad and spent time feeling sorry for myself but I strongly believe that life is exactly what we make it. We choose how we live and how we feel and how we view the world so to me the only way to live is with a positive outlook and a happy heart. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel a little down sometimes because I do but for the most part I understand that I am exactly who I am meant to be and I am exactly where I am meant to be.

I think that getting sick, as hard as it can be sometimes, was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I was given a new outlook on life, one that showed me what life is all about and how I should be living. It gave me the opportunity to know what is most important in life. I focus on the big picture and focus my attention on family, love, light, kindness and joy. Those are the things that matter and getting sick allowed me to see that.

It’s allowed me to have an open heart, one that is compassionate and caring. Not that I wasn’t those things before but getting sick has made me a better person. I see the world and the people around me in a much different way. I’m very grateful for the lessons I have learned. I think I’ll do an entire post about this soon.

Religion isn’t something I would normally talk about but since I was asked about it I will. I am not a religious person, nor have I ever been one. I’m not really sure what I believe in; although, I do believe in something but I don’t necessarily believe in God or the traditional views of heaven and hell. I respect all religious views, however, and I find theology to be very interesting. I know a lot of people who are ill and take comfort in religion, but I’m not one of them.

As for how I feel about my friends getting married and having children, which is a great question! I was never that little girl who dreamed about my wedding and I didn’t grow up being a woman who ever even wanted to get married. I also do not want children, not that I could have any if I ever decided I wanted to. I do not have traditional views when it comes to marriage so when my friends get married or start their families I don’t feel jealous or upset that I’m not able to do that myself. I don’t think it’s fair, in any situation, for us to compare ourselves or the paths we are on to other people or the paths they’ve embarked on. We are who we are and that is good enough. If I was meant to be married or have children that I would be married and have children. You know what I mean? I am where I am meant to be and I’m okay with it. I will admit that when I first got sick I didn’t feel like I measured up to other people my age but all of those worries have floated away and I’m perfectly content with my life.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t sick, but I am so I’m okay with it.

Anyway, I hope that answered your question! 

New Symptoms

I feel like every single day my illness (or illnesses) is changing. There seems to always be something new and unexpected happening within my body. I know my body at war but I would really appreciate if it could just take a break and let me understand what’s going on for a little while before morphing into something else.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of electrical sensations that are very painful running through my spine. It’s so uncomfortable and the only thing that seems to help at all is lying flat on my back, not moving, and using a heating pad where it hurts the most. If I move at all, though, the electrical pain shoots right through me again.

My foot has also had this weirdly extreme pressure/electricity/fire. I don’t know how to describe it. It hurts.

And my ribs! The left side of my ribs has been feeling as though there is so much pressure being applied front and back. It’s like my rib cage is being crushed in a vice. It makes it hard to stand up (or sit up, for that matter) and to catch my breath. Flattening my body out and not moving also makes this sensation feel a little better but the second I move it comes right back. Maybe I could even describe it as having a corset or Spanx that are way too tight against my ribs and back, although I’ve never worn a corset or Spanx so maybe I can’t freely use that example.

There’s also fire and pins and needles racing through my hands and feet. This is on top of everything else I've talked about in previous posts describing what I'm dealing with. The migraines and intense head pains are still around. I still hurt, a lot. I still get very confused.

I've been keeping track of all of my symptoms better than I have ever before. I use an Erin Condren planner for daily life things and I've been using the Perpetual Calendar that came with it to track my health. I'm thinking it will be easy for a doctor or nurse to read and help them understand what I'm dealing with on a daily basis better.

I’m wishing summer was here again. I felt so good this summer. I felt strong and healthy. Now I’m just feeling discouraged but I have some good news. I’m insured again. I qualified for OHP, since I’m disabled, and I’ve been assigned to the doctor that I wanted to be so that’s awesome. I need to make an appointment and go in soon but I’m scared. I’m scared that they’ll dismiss my symptoms or not believe what I’m saying like doctors have in the past. I feel damaged by my past experiences with my illness and medical professionals.

I know I’ve had some really great doctors who have listened and understood and tried to help me in whatever way they could but I’ve also had some terrible ones and those terrible ones have seemingly scarred me. I don’t want to ever again feel the way that doctor made me feel when I was 22. I've mentioned that in the past but it's something I'd rather forget.

I’m feeling more and more like it might, in fact, be MS but we’ll have to wait and see. Thinking back, though, the medications I was on for Lupus and Fibro did nothing at all so that’s also another sign that it’s not what they originally though. I’ll keep you all updated.

I've also been feeling really sad lately. I don't know if it's the weather causing my gloomy mood or if I'm just feeling a bit down. My anxiety has been hanging around a lot lately, too. I might be a little depressed but I'm still so grateful for my family. That just needs to be said. I love them so much.

One final thing, the other night I was hurting so much and Hunter was on my chest snuggling me and he did the most amazing thing. I kept squeezing his fur when the pain (not hurting him, of course) was coursing through me and every time I did that he would put his paw on my face and hold me. It was the sweetest thing and I Just had to share that with you.

Summer 2016 Recap

Fall is here but I wanted to do an update and tell you all about my summer. I’m so grateful. I mean just beyond thankful, for the summer that I had this year. You all know how rough last year was for my family and this summer was the complete opposite. Everything was perfect and I think I can officially declare that the summer of 2016 was my best one yet!

I’m disabled, my Dad is retired, and my Mom is a teacher so we are lucky enough to get to spend summers at home together. We spent a lot of time in the pool, reading good books, watching fun movies, shopping and playing our favorite board game – Monopoly! We spent a lot of good quality time with each other and also went on a lot of adventures. We also played some mini-golf and went on lots of hikes and walks.

We took a short vacation to our favorite coastal town in Oregon, Newport. We spend 2 days there and it was really nice. We spent a lot of time on the beach and actually ended up sitting on some driftwood and watching California Gray Whales off the shore for a couple of hours. They were feeding but kept breaching and it was so much fun to watch them. We took Cooper, our dog, with us and he really loves being on the beach just like the rest of us. We spent some time shopping on the Newport Bayfront, which was fun, and then explored Ona State Park, which I think is one of my new favorite places in the world. It was a short trip but the majority of it was perfect!

July 17th was an important day of celebration in my household because it makes my Dad’s 1st ReBirthday!

He still has cancer but he’s doing so much better now. We celebrated with gifts and cake, just like we would with any other birthday. It was such a happy milestone for our family to reach.

We started kayaking this summer and we went many times. Kayaking has become one of my all-time favorite hobbies! I really love it. It makes me feel at peace to be on the water and the physical act of paddling makes me feel so strong and healthy. We’ve been to so many beautiful places and been lucky enough to explore them from the water. We were going at least once a week, but often twice, and we loved every minute of it.

We also went camping. I don’t love camping but I do love being outdoors and getting to spend some quality time with those I love. We ended up having fun even though it was pretty cold and there were so many spiders. I mean, I get that there are spiders outside and I’m okay with that but there were more than you can even imagine. Cooper isn’t a huge fan of camping either. He ended up spending most of his time wearing his coat in front of the fire and sitting in his camp chair, LOL! We did have a nice time, though. We took the kayaks because we camped right on Diamond Lake and the water was great. Cooper rides in my Dad’s kayak and one morning he tried to chase some ducks that were on the water and ended up soaked after he jumped in after them. He was so confused and it was adorable. We got a good laugh out of it! He still loves to kayak, though.

If you’re ever in Oregon and want to go kayaking you should definitely check out Spring Creek and Lake of the Woods. They have been my two favorite places we’ve been so far.

Pretty much every single day was full of love, laughter and time spent together as a family. It was perfect! Except for the last two weeks of summer when I got West Nile Fever. It took me quite a long time to recover but I'm back to normal now.

I'm sorry this post is a bit late but I had a hard time picking out which pictures to share. We took so many! Anyway, how was your summer? I hope your fall is off to a wonderful start!

Good Reminder

29

I’ve said this before but there have been so many nights where I have been in bed thinking that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Whether it was because I knew something was wrong within my body or because the pain was so extreme I knew I couldn’t handle it for much longer or whatever other reason; I was so scared that I would die, and that would be the end. But I haven’t died, yet, and I’m still here. Tomorrow I turn 29 and I’m so grateful for another year.

Every birthday that comes and goes is another chance for me to live and be thankful for the time that I have been given. I don’t think saying how grateful I am can even begin to translate how I really feel. I am thankful more than words can describe. I have a wonderful life and an amazing family. Yes, I’m sick but I’m alive and I’m here and I’m able to take in the world and all that it encompasses. Every single day is a gift, and it is one that I am beyond honored to receive.

So, here’s to making the most out of my 29th year and remembering how lucky I am to be here.

Physical Limitations and (not) Conquering the World

Writing posts for this blog has become increasingly more difficult with time. There comes a point when being ill stops being something you need to talk out and vent about and it just becomes your new normal. It’s just a (very big) part of who and what I am and I can’t do anything but accept it and go on with my life making the appropriate changes.

However, I’ve been kind of bummed out about my physical limitations lately so I thought I would sit down and put my thoughts down on (digital) paper.

My Dad is remodeling our living room. He ripped out the carpet and put in beautiful hardwood floors. I’ve tried to help where I can but I quickly discovered that there’s not much that I can do physically. I volunteered to pull all of the nails and staples out of the stairs that were left behind form the carpet the other day and I managed to get a lot of them but I burst into tears afterwards. Sitting at our kitchen table, having a glass of water on a break led me to have a bit breakdown. I was in so much pain and it hit me all over again how unfair this all is. I never thought that life was going to be fair but I’m only 28. I’m young, right?

I should be able to do anything and everything. I should be able to conquer the world but I can’t. I understand that I can’t but my understanding doesn’t change the fact that it sucks.

I don’t want my Dad to know how useless and incapable of doing things I am but he doesn’t read my blog (either of them, actually) so I feel like it’s okay to put this out there. By the way, he loves me and he wants to protect me and keep me safe and he doesn’t know that asking me to do things often means asking me to do things that are out of my range of ability so it’s not his fault. I asked if there was anything I could do to help him this afternoon and he set me up with a piece of sand paper and some paint. He asked me to sand the window frame he just patched up and paint it so I did but my hand locked up and I kept having tremors and I was terrified I was going to spill the white paint on the new floors. I didn’t say a word, and Mom I know you’re reading and I don’t want you to either. I will always volunteer because I want to help. I need to help.

I just wish I could do more. I mean, my Dad has cancer and arthritis and a million things wrong with him and he is physically capable of doing more than I could ever even imagine doing in my entire lifetime so I want to help him as much as I can even if it’s with things that I cannot do.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this to any of you yet but you know how adult coloring books are all the rage? I’ve tried to color and it hurts so much. It hurts so, so much and I can’t do it. Can’t everyone color? Shouldn’t I be able to color? Coloring is easy and basic and even toddlers can do it, but I can’t.

I accept and understand that I am sick and as time goes on I probably will progressively get worse. I get it, I do, but sometimes I’m so angry and so sad and I can’t be at peace with it.

2016 Goals

Happy 2016! I hope you had a very wonderful holiday season. Today I am sharing a list of everything I hope to do in 2016. I don’t really believe in making big new years resolutions and declarations of things that I absolutely must do in the new year because I think they just set us up for failure but I do have some things that I think are achievable that I am hoping to do and I think sharing helps me to stay on track.

In 2016 I would like to:

Write daily in my Gratitude Journal
I received a Gratitude Journal for my birthday and had yet to write it before yesterday. I already in believe in focusing on the positive things but sometimes we all get a little caught up in the bad things that happen so I’m going to take a little time each night to sit down and write out the good things that happened to me in any given day and the things that I am grateful for.

Blog more regularly

I know, I know! I say this every year and I really do try but then my health gets in the way and I find myself unable and unwilling to take the time necessary to take photos and write posts and then get them published. I’m aiming for at least one post a week on Beautiful Basics. This blog is a little trickier because sometimes I just have nothing to write about so maybe once a month?

Stay calm and find ways to control my anxiety

This one needs no explanation. I think I just need to remind myself to take deep breaths and remember that I’m okay.

Shop less, save more, and use up what I have

I’ve been a naughty shopper lately and I need to knock it off. I have everything I could ever want and/or need so I need to use the products I have, wear the clothes already hanging in my closet, and use things up before I buy more. I tend to be an impulse puchaser and I end up regretting my shopping habits.

Wear real clothes more often

I tend to go for comfort over fashion so my daily uniform consists of yoga pants and sweatshirts. I think I need to wear real clothes more often because I think it will help me feel more like a real, functioning human being.

Start stretching or take up yoga 

I need to move more and exercise tends to make me feel worse so maybe some gentle stretching or yoga will be a good routine for me to take up.

Be more gentle with myself and others 

Being gentle with all living beings is important for our overall well being and something I forget to be kind to myself or I get frustrated with those around me. Life is too short to be anything but good and loving.

Push myself out of my comfort zone and try new things 

I need to get out more and my anxiety often keeps me in the same routine as always.

Read more 

I love to read and unfortunately when I’m feeling unwell I often lose the ability to see and other times I’m unable to comprehend what I read so I get frustrated and just push all my books to the side. Reading is something I really enjoy and I need to do it more this year.

Spend more time outside 

The world is beautiful. I want to see more of it.

Spend less time on Facebook

I spend a lot of time on Facebook and it’s really a waste of time. Checking it occasionally is okay but I think I might be weirdly addicted to it and it does nothing for me.

Regulate my sleep

I don’t keep very normal hours and I would like to wake up earlier and go to sleep earlier.

Eat more regularly throughout the day to keep my blood sugar normal 

I’m hypoglycemic so I have major issues with my blood sugar levels. Eating more often is the key to keeping them regular, which helps my mood and the way I feel. Simply remembering to eat breakfast and having an extra snack or two throughout the day makes a huge difference.

Leave me a comment and let me know what you’re hoping to do in 2016 or if you have any suggestions for me.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from my family to yours. 

Wishing you health, happiness, love and laughter. 

See you all in 2016.

So Thankful

Not all of you are located in the US but to those of you who are I hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving! If you’re not in the US I hope you have a fantastic Thursday!

I don’t necessarily believe I need a specific day to be thankful because I believe in expressing my gratitude on a daily basis. I am an extremely thankful person and I make sure people know how much I appreciate them and the things that they do. Gratitude and thankfulness equate to happiness in my mind. However, Thanksgiving is a fun holiday and a nice excuse to spend more time with family. My Mom, who is a teacher, gets the whole week off and it’s so wonderful with all 3 of us being home together.

This year has been a bit rocky, to put it mildly, but I’m so thankful for the way it all turned out.

I just realized I never posted the good news – My Dad is in remission! Multiple Myeloma never truly goes away but right now he is as cancer free as he is going to get and I’m so happy. We all are. I cried tears of joy when I heard the news and I’m so excited for what comes next in our lives. It was difficult to be separated this summer with him in the hospital in Portland and my Mom there to take care of him. We are looking forward to being able to go on a vacation soon!

I am, obviously, very grateful for science and modern medicine. Without it my Dad probably wouldn’t be here to celebrate the holidays with us this year so I’m so thankful he was able to receive treatment and get such good care from his team of doctors.

I am also grateful for the help that our friends and family gave us when we needed it the most. We had to set up a GoFundMe account and the outpouring of love and support was truly overwhelming in the most wonderful way possible. We never expected the kind of help we received but we couldn’t have made it without it. Thank you to everyone who helped us. We are forever thankful.

In general I am thankful for my parents because they are the most wonderful, kind-hearted, loving and caring people in the entire world. They are my best friends. They are my people and I love them more than words can say.

I am thankful for Cooper who always knows what to do whether it’s giving me a kiss when I’m feeling sad or barking to let my parents know that I’m having a seizure or snuggling in to me when it’s cold out. He is the most wonderful dog a girl, or anyone, could ever ask for.

I am also thankful for this little boy who came in to my life when I needed him the most. I thought my heart would never stop hurting after Parker went missing and while I still miss him so much Hunter has helped me in ways I never imaged he could. He has brought me so much joy, happiness, and love. I adore him so much and I know he adores me as well. He makes me laugh every single day and laughing is the best medicine. He is the world’s best cuddler and I’m so thankful to have him in my life.

I am also thankful for my blogs. I would be so lost without them. They gave me something to do when I felt like I wasn’t capable of doing anything. They have grown so much and I am thankful for each person who reads one, or both, of my blogs and interacts with me.

My heart is full and overflowing with love and I am so thankful for this life I live. 

Beautiful Basics Beauty Tips for the Unwell

Loving Life Despite the Pain...

I love my life. I live a very happy life and I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful family. I’m really happy but when I sit down to write updates for this blog I can only think of negative things to write about involving my health. I always want to be real with you all and that means sharing the details of my pain but I don’t want any of you to think for one second that I’m miserable or depressed.

Yes, sometimes I get a little down and wind up feeling sorry for myself (don’t we all, sick or not?) but I try my hardest to keep a cheerful and positive frame of mind even when the pain has knocked me on my ass. Every time I sit down to write though I feel myself complaining through my text and that’s not what I want to do.

The pain has just been so extreme lately. My head hurts so much, all of the time, and the spikes are almost unbearable. I’m so lucky to have such amazing parents who understand and do whatever they can to help me. It still hurts though. My bones feel like the break, randomly throughout the day, or they feel like they’re being crushed under a tremendous and forceful weight.

I’m also currently in a mood where nothing tastes good so I don’t want to eat anything. And, as always, I’m so exhausted and no amount of rest seems to do anything to alleviate how tired I feel inside and out.

Despite the pain, I’m still in a good place. My family and I have been spending so much time together and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. We went on a day trip on Sunday and had the best time. Hunter and Cooper are the perfect cuddle buddies and there’s a lot of great TV to watch. Life is good. I’m also super excited Christmas is coming up so quickly. I’ve been having a lot of fun shopping online. I actually started a few weeks ago. I love seeing what kind of deals I can get on things for my family.

And I moved and remodeled both of my blogs! I’m really happy with Beautiful Basics actually but not with the way this one turned out so I’m going to keep working on it when I feel well enough to do so. It came out so bland looking. What do you think?

In a side note, I really need to find a new doctor.

Okay, that’s about it. How are you doing? Do you have anything you want to share or any questions you have for me? Also, let me know what shows or movies you’re currently loving since I’m always looking for new things to watch and would love your recommendations.

Update

I’m not going to apologize for being absent from BYDLS for so long because I’ve apologized too many times before. It’s just been a really strange few months and this is always the first thing to fall to the wayside. I figured its time for a little life update, though, so let’s get started.

My family was gone for almost 2 months this summer because my Dad had his Bone Marrow Transplant. The poor guy was in the hospital for almost a month and it definitely wasn’t the easy thing any of us have ever been through. He was not doing well for a while there but he’s on the mend now and each day he gets a little better and a bit stronger. He has a great attitude and outlook and is remaining optimistic and is extremely active.! He lost all of his hair, of course, and it has started growing back. Each night it seems to double when he sleeps and then he wakes up with more hair than he had the day before. He just reached a huge milestone, Day +100, and he just had another Bone Marrow Biopsy. We should get the results in a week or two but his blood counts are on the rise and are almost normal. I’m so thankful for how well he is doing.

 My poor Mom, who is a high school teacher, forfeited her summer to take care of my Dad (which she’s not complaining about at all) and is now back in school helping to shape the young minds of our community. I really wish we could send her on some amazing relaxation retreat so she can recharge a little but Thanksgiving break isn’t that far away and she’ll be able to have some time off in no time. Again, she hasn’t complained but my Dad and I feel so sad for her. She's been working so hard and then she comes home and takes care of us.

Cooper, our pup, had a really rough summer as well. He loves and adores me but he experienced some major separation anxiety without the whole family here. He’s doing better now and is just happy that we’re all together.

Hunter is a cat, so he’s always content.

As for me, I’m okay. I’ve been having a really hard time with my head lately and the migraines have been out of control. I've had a few days where I thought "this is it". That sounds so dramatic, but it's the truth.

My nose bleeds have also started again. I’ve been getting bloody noses since I was 11 or 12 and everyone always told me I would grow out of them but I’m 28 now and I haven’t grown out of them yet.

I actually wrote this a couple of months ago and I’m not sure why I never posted it. I’ll post a more recent and detailed update next week.

Do you like the new page? Leave me a comment and let me know what you think. Also, let me know how you’re doing! I’d love to catch up!