Disability Exam

Even though I have been unable to work for the past 5 years (whoa, I can't believe it's been that long!) I didn't apply for disability until recently. It took 4 years to get a proper diagnosis and I wanted to be armed with as much information as possible when I applied. Let me tell you, the process of applying for disability is insanely difficult. The paperwork alone is ridiculous but yesterday I had my physical examination and it was an awful experience.

First of all, the office was not the office of a doctor. It was a huge room with a single couch and then a small exam room. I'm not describing it well enough to paint you a creepy enough photo. Thank goodness my Mom was with me because I would have felt completely uncomfortable by myself. The man briefly acknowledged me when I walked in and said, "there is a form on the couch. Fill it out within the next 10 minutes." I filled it out but I don't know if I did a very thorough job. The questions were so confusing and difficult to answer.

Then he called me into the little side room and started asking me questions, aggressively. He made me feel very stupid and confused. He acted like I wasn't truthful and he didn't really let me speak. I missed out on telling him a lot of my symptoms like the weakness I experience, muscle spasms and tremors, losing time and the pins and needles I have in my legs. I even tried to tell him about the scary thing that happened to me at the coast (that I talked about in my last post) and he interrupted my story and didn't let me finish. Very few of the questions he asked me made sense and it was a really hard thing to go through. Then we did the physical exam. That part went as well as it could have, I guess. He hurt me a few times but all doctors hurt me when they poke and prod so that's not a big deal. He then walked out of the room and said, "that's it. Bye."

It was such an awkward and uncomfortable experience. I left feeling upset and mistreated. I keep dwelling on it and it's getting worse and worse. I really need to let it go, because I can't change what happened or the way I was treated. As my Mom keeps telling me, "the worst that is going to happen is that you're going to get denied and then we will have to hire a lawyer to help us appeal". I think most people have to do that anyway.

I think my biggest problem is the way that so many doctors have treated me. It is never okay to make someone feel small or stupid. I'll drop this now because I know I've talked about how I feel about the way some doctors treat their patients in the past.

I just don't understand how a doctor who obviously never read my medical file and spent 15 minutes with me can accurately judge my condition. I have an appointment with a psychologist for them to assess my memory and anxiety the day after my birthday. I hope that appointment isn't as terrible an experience as this one was.

Weekly Happies #4

The beginning of last week was pretty rough but I'm happy to be able to report that the rest of it turned out to be pretty great. I spent a lot of time outside enjoying the temporary warmth and sunshine. My Dad and I ran a lot of errands but also did some fun shopping/browsing. My Mom and I went out early one day for some bagels and shopping and managed to find some cute stuff - my Dad later joined us and it was a nice outing. We also watched the new Bonnie and Clyde. I like Emile Hirsch but it was a fail overall.



It's Spring Break, which means my Mom is home with my Dad and I, and we couldn't be happier. We are taking full advantage of the time off and have some really fun plans. Yesterday we woke up super early and headed for the coast. When I say super early I mean we left the house at 6! Anyway, it was an amazing (albeit long) day from start to finish.

Before I get in to the recap, I just want to talk about something that happened to me when we were walking on the Bandon Boardwalk. I was totally fine and then suddenly, out of nowhere, I experienced the most painful/terrifying/debilitating sensation I have ever experienced and that's saying a lot since I'm no newbie when it comes to pain. I can't even use words to describe it because it was unlike anything I have ever felt. I was "struck" through the head and neck. The pain went through me and I collapsed on the Boardwalk. My parents were close by and I managed to grab on to my Dad. I don't remember much of the actual moment besides the pain I felt ((I'm still very aware of the feeling of the pain, even more than 24 hours later)) and the fact that I couldn't see. When the attack was over I lost it and cried for the next 15 minutes or so. I came through it though and the rest of the day was fabulous. I just wanted to mention it because this is, in fact, my sick blog and not just an online journal to share the fun things I get to do.

Anyway, we walked on the Boardwalk and throughout Old Town. The shops, honestly, were all kind of weird and Bandon wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be. We did enjoy our time there though. We didn't purchase any souvenirs, but we did pick up a couple of pieces of fudge! The area itself is gorgeous and the town is pretty cute, and after we walked around we ended up having lunch at Tony's Crab Shack where we chowed down on some fish tacos and iced tea. We then headed towards the cliffs and walked around, taking in the beauty of the ocean.



We then headed South where we accidentally stumbled across a walk-through wildlife safari and petting zoo and after slamming on the brakes, u-turning, and finding a parking spot we paid a small fortune and entered the park. This turned out to be the best mistake ever! All 3 of us enjoyed it tremendously. It was extremely silly and ridiculously fun. We got to feed all sorts of weird animals and check them out. I'm embarrassed to admit that I discovered that I'm a little bit afraid of deer, llamas, peacocks, and goats who are hungry and swarm you when you enter a pen with food. I quickly handed my animal food to my Dad because I was kind of freaked out. He was extraordinarily popular with them though and was followed by deer and llama throughout the park. They even started to nibble on his clothes.




We have a little thing for pygmy goats and there were 2 little babies! Check them out, aren't they adorable? I got to hold them but I have to tell you a secret – they're not very cuddly! I tried to get a picture of my Mom holding one of them but at the exact moment I went to snap the photo the goat squirmed out of her arms and I was headbutted by a goat… a goat with horns! Not joking. LOL!



I'm not a fan of zoos or places where animals are kept in captivity but I can't lie and tell you that it wasn't a lot of fun, because it was. We laughed, A LOT, and had a really fun time.

After that we headed back to the road and kept going South. The plan was to go to Gold Beach and walk on the beach and try to find a glass float. By this point we were running out of daylight but my parents are the sweetest and wanted me to get to feel the sand beneath my toes and find a float (which is what I desperately wanted to do). We got to the beach and it was so cold and windy that it was painful. We walked on the beach a little but I couldn't handle it.

In Brookings, we ate dinner and it wasn't very good. We were exhausted by this point and began the ridiculously long drive home. We ended up being gone from 6 am to almost 11 pm and we were so tired by the time we finally made it home but it was an awesome day and I'm so thankful I get to spend time with my family doing such fun things. We all agree, though, that our next day trip has to be somewhere closer and warmer!

Weekly Happies #3

I really need to write things down in a journal or on a notepad because I missed last week and I can't remember much! So this part will just be a quickie – We went out to lunch as a family during the week, which was nice. We finished Breaking Bad and I'm so happy with how it ended. I miss the show but I feel fulfilled by the story so I'm not too sad about it. We went to a state championship playoff game for the girl's team where my Mom teaches. They won, and went to state, but lost in the final game coming in third place. I don't think I have anything else to report about the week I skipped.

This week I spent a lot of time in the sun. So much time, in fact, that I'm a funny shade of hot pink. Woops! I love the feeling of the sun warming my bones and how good it makes me feel and I can't get enough. My Dad and dogs joined me for a while and we enjoyed the rays together. I'm technically not supposed to be in the sun because Lupus and the sun are pretty much enemies. On a side note, I was seriously considering getting a tattoo but Lupus and tattoos are also enemies. In fact, Lupus doesn't have any friends except other illnesses. What a jerk!

Speaking of how nice the weather has been; Parker is a filthy animal and likes to roll in dirt. He comes in looking like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown more often than not. He likes mud too but nothing makes him happier than a big old patch of dirt. My poor Mom has crazy allergies thanks to my little furry love and the dust he brings in and I have to keep blankets on the end of my bed just to collect his dirt but check out how cute my baby piggy is:



My Dad went to Portland for training for Civil Air Patrol for the weekend so my Mom and I went on a sushi date. We tried a new (to us) restaurant on Friday night and it was pretty good. I can't believe I used to hate sushi! I love it now, although I don't eat fish… I pretty much stick to California Rolls, although I occasionally opt for Tempura Shrimp. This time I had my trusty go to roll as well as a Tempura Vegetable Roll, which was just fried broccoli, carrots, and zucchini wrapped with rice and seaweed. It was tasty!

On Saturday we took Cooper for a drive (he LOVES drives and prefers them to walks like a lazy dog) and had a really healthy lunch (just kidding!) of fried pickles, french fries, and salad. Don't judge me! I get major cravings for fried food sometimes and fried pickles are my absolute favorite! I eat healthy 98% of the time. We went on a crazy spring-cleaning binge. We cleaned. A lot. We also went on a nice walk and spent the day together being lazy and reading. We had one of my other favorite foods for dinner – artichokes! Wait… is this turning into a "What I Have Eaten" blog? Weird.

It's now Sunday night and I'm more than happy to tell you that my Dad made it home safely. I'm always worried when my loved ones travel alone and so relieved when they arrive at their destination in one piece. If you're wondering, he had an amazing time and learned a lot. He's really excited about taking what he learned and what comes next with CAP. My parents are so sweet and thoughtful! My Mom sent my Dad to Sephora, where he picked up a couple of amazing gifts for me! I'm very thankful for their generosity. I love Sephora and they picked out some awesome stuff!




Alright, that's it I am now going to plop my butt down on the couch and catch up on the last couple episodes of The Vampire Diaries. Speaking of which, this season is boring me like no other. I usually love the show but I'm just not feeling it. Anyone else bored with it?

Finding Something to Love

I believe that getting sick has been both the best and worst things to ever happen to me. Being sick sucks. Lupus sucks. Fibromyalgia sucks. But some times bad things can lead to good things and my illness has helped me to find my passion.

When it became apparent that I couldn't work I got really down on myself. I couldn't sit at home all day and watch TV, although I did try it for a while. I became bored and developed a low sense of self worth from doing nothing with my time. When brainstorming ideas of things I could do at home I remembered that I had always loved reading beauty blogs and watching beauty videos on YouTube so I figured why not start my own blog?

I had nothing to lose so I jumped right in to the whole process. I started by sharing DIY beauty recipes and random bits and pieces but somehow as my blog, Beautiful Basics, started to grow it turned into a natural beauty destination. In addition to the DIY beauty I featured I began to work with companies by reviewing their products. It started slow but my blog has now grown to something that I'm very proud of.

Thousands of people read my thoughts and enjoy what I have to say. I didn't expect my blog to continue to grow as it has but I'm so happy with it. To be honest, I've never really followed through with anything so I thought this would find the same fate as so many things I've tried in the past. This Saturday, March 15th, marks the 3-year anniversary of Beautiful Basics and with each milestone that passes I become more and more proud of what I have accomplished.

I'm not making any money but I do receive amazing beauty products for free so I can't complain. What began as something to help pass the time has become something that I absolutely love and I hope to one day turn this passion into a career. If I had never gotten sick I wouldn't have discovered that I love to blog and write about beauty.

At the end of the day, even if everyone thinks I'm a terrible writer and has no interest in what I'm saying, at least I'm putting energy into something. Something is always better than nothing.

Birthday Blues

Today is March 10, which means that in exactly one month I will be turning 27. Since getting sick my birthday has been a really sore subject for me and each year it gets harder and harder to deal with. Last year was the worst and I'm holding out hope that I can be in a better place this year.

I have always been birthday obsessed and start planning each celebration months ahead of time. I always start a wish list and plan out my special meal and talk about what I want to do with my family but then as the actual day approaches I grow more and more depressed. My family always makes the day special for me but I still get bummed.

I feel tremendous guilt for being sick, in general, but add in gifts and special attention and I just feel as low as low can get. I don't even completely understand it. I guess it's a combination of feeling bad that another year has gone by that I can't take care of myself and that my parents can't have a normal life because of me and the fact that they like to spoil me with gifts and love on my birthday and I don't feel like I deserve it. Whoa, my apologies for the run-on sentence and plethora of ands.

I was 22 when I got sick and now I'm turning 27. That's a long time. Aren't parents supposed to be able to return to a regular adult life when their kid turns 18? Instead, my parents have to sacrifice their sanity to take care of their almost 30-year-old daughter who should be out there enjoying the world and living her own grown up life. Me being sick is harder on them than I can begin to explain. They don't ever complain and they understand me and my illness and love me, with open arms and smiles on their faces, but it's tough and it's only getting worse for them as I get sicker.

My birthday just feels like a reminder that I'm getting older and not getting any better. It just makes me feel sad.

Happy Day!

I'm ecstatic and beyond relieved. If you missed the news flash I posted yesterday – I'm reinsured! All of my crazy expensive medications are now $8, and one of them is $4!

I can even go see all of my doctors again, and more frequently. I missed them desperately. Just kidding. I'd be happy to never have to see any doctor ever again, but I digress.

My insurance is only valid until November but I'll worry about getting approved for continuation of insurance again when that time comes. For now, this takes an incredible weight off of my shoulders. I can let go of the enormous sense of guilt I have been feeling for my parents having to pay $500 a month for medications that don't even make me feel 100%.

This is a huge victory, and I couldn't be any happier.

Me & My Anxiety

There is a common misconception floating around out there in the world that people with anxiety (me) are just naturally nervous people. That could not be more wrong! For 22 years of my life I was incredibly outgoing, social, daring, and full of life. I liked performing in front of huge crowds (I even pranced around in a bikini on a stage in front of hundreds of people, not once, but twice!) and making friends out of total strangers but that all changed when I developed anxiety.

I'm not sure exactly how it happened, if it turned into an issue overnight or if something small festered until it became a huge problem in my life. It's embarrassing to say but I could easily, and very happily, never leave my home again. Being a recluse is not a healthy way of life though so I make every effort I can to talk to smile at strangers in public and answer the door when the mailman brings me a package instead of running and hiding in my closet (okay, so I don't do that with the mailman since he has become part of my routine thanks to all of the deliveries I get, but I do run and hide when it's someone I'm not expecting). It's tough to make the right, healthy choices when you're so tempted to tune out the rest of the world.

My doctor has an interesting theory that my anxiety was formed because my childhood was so wonderful and then I grew up and got out into the real world and realized how imperfect, often terrible, and scary it can be. I'm not sure if I agree with him or not though. Sure, my childhood was amazing and yes, the short time I spent as an adult wasn't ideal but I'm not sure if it was bad enough to make me so scared of so much.

Now I can't go anywhere alone. I'm too scared to be alone in public because I don't want to be forced to interact with someone I don't know or be put in an uncomfortable situation. I don't socialize much as is, so going out to the store is all I have in terms of getting out – do you have ANY idea how hard it is to make friends as an adult who has no job or hobbies outside of the home? I have no clue how to meet people, and even if I did I'm not sure I would want to. I do, though, have a desire for friendship but I'm too scared to do anything about it.

Am I sounding totally insane? I hope not. More often than not I end up feeling ashamed by the things that I write in this blog. I guess ashamed is too strong a word, but I do feel uncomfortable. I'm a strong believer that getting things out and saying them aloud (or typing them out?) is the best way to grow stronger and move on from things that may be holding you back so this is my attempt at becoming less anxious.

I'm going to leave with you one final piece of information: Don't ever crowd someone. You never know who may or may not suffer from anxiety disorder because you can't normally tell just by looking someone. Like all of my illnesses, you cannot see that I have GAD. My Mom and I were out the other day and I started to have a panic attack because a woman was standing a mere inch or two away from me talking loudly into my ear to her friend. I like to call these people space invaders. I have a bubble and I can't tolerate people in my bubble. I moved several times to get away from her and each time she moved with me. I have no clue why this happened but it wasn't a fun experience for me.

Please, for me and all of the estimated 40 million others who suffer from anxiety, do not be a space invader.

Weekly Happies #2

This week was rough and I almost regretted starting the "Weekly Happies" last week because I didn't think I was going to have anything to say in this post. The end of the week got a lot better though so I do have some small things to share!

My Dad and I had a nice day on Friday. Friday was the first day that I haven't been an awful person and we got along really well, which hasn't been so easy lately. We didn't do anything major but we went out to breakfast and did some shopping and running around. He bought me a few notebooks from Staples. I'm notebook/notepad/journal obsessed. I think I actually want to start collecting them. Wouldn't it be fun to have a collection of different shaped, sized, and colored ones from all over the place? Maybe I'm just a nerd, but I like to write and having fancy journals to write in makes me happy.

Saturday was incredible. The supplement I'm taking has made a huge difference already and I'm so grateful. I woke up at 7 and took a nice bath and we went out to breakfast as a family. We did some grocery shopping and cleaning around the house. Again, nothing major but it was a nice day anyway. My Mom and I took Cooper on a really long walk, which probably turned out to be about 2 miles, and had a really nice time. Cooper loves walks and I love Cooper. It's fun to watch him be so happy and excited about something. Here's a cute little collage of his journey:



Sunday was a lazy, rainy day. We had planned to go on a hike but the weather kept us inside. I didn't feel great but we had a nice day together. We ate some food, read some, and watched some Breaking Bad.

I'm going to end this post by sharing this picture of my furry kid. How cute is he? He makes me ridiculously happy.