Monday, March 10, 2014

Birthday Blues

Today is March 10, which means that in exactly one month I will be turning 27. Since getting sick my birthday has been a really sore subject for me and each year it gets harder and harder to deal with. Last year was the worst and I'm holding out hope that I can be in a better place this year.

I have always been birthday obsessed and start planning each celebration months ahead of time. I always start a wish list and plan out my special meal and talk about what I want to do with my family but then as the actual day approaches I grow more and more depressed. My family always makes the day special for me but I still get bummed.

I feel tremendous guilt for being sick, in general, but add in gifts and special attention and I just feel as low as low can get. I don't even completely understand it. I guess it's a combination of feeling bad that another year has gone by that I can't take care of myself and that my parents can't have a normal life because of me and the fact that they like to spoil me with gifts and love on my birthday and I don't feel like I deserve it. Whoa, my apologies for the run-on sentence and plethora of ands.

I was 22 when I got sick and now I'm turning 27. That's a long time. Aren't parents supposed to be able to return to a regular adult life when their kid turns 18? Instead, my parents have to sacrifice their sanity to take care of their almost 30-year-old daughter who should be out there enjoying the world and living her own grown up life. Me being sick is harder on them than I can begin to explain. They don't ever complain and they understand me and my illness and love me, with open arms and smiles on their faces, but it's tough and it's only getting worse for them as I get sicker.

My birthday just feels like a reminder that I'm getting older and not getting any better. It just makes me feel sad.

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