Yesterday I did something I didn't think I could do. It would have been something that I would not have been able to do a year ago, or even a month ago. I went to the doctor by myself. I drove myself, which is something I don't do anymore, and went in. I saw a doctor and then I got labs and I did it alone. My anxiety was pretty bad but I still did it. I know I'm 30 so doing this alone shouldn't be such a big deal but it really is for me. It's a huge deal and I'm really proud of myself.
The pain was so bad that I just didn't know what else to do. A few nights ago I was in tears because I thought, "Is this my life now? Do I have to be in this much pain all the time from here on out?" You don't ever need to worry about this from me but I totally understand why this is nicknamed "The Suicide Disease". I get it now. I didn't before but I do now.
So I went in and the doctor I saw kindly assured me that this is not going to be my life and there are a lot of things we can try. She also doubled my dosage again. It doesn't work this quickly but I'm actually already feeling a bit better. Maybe that's just my brain telling me relief is on the way so I can start feeling better, or maybe it's just a good day. I don't know but I do know that I'm feeling hopeful.
If this medication increase doesn't help we can continue upping the dose or add in other medications or just simply try other things. Surgery is even an option in the future if it doesn't get any better. There are things we can do and that makes me feel okay about all of this. Having hope is as good a medicine as any, right?