Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Loss of Control

My body isn't working like it should, and it's scary. I guess my body hasn't worked properly since I first got sick 6 years ago but it's getting worse. I'm losing control over my muscles and it's upsetting. I'm angry about it. I'm also sad.

I'm getting weaker with each passing day and the control I have over my body is becoming more and more erratic. I try to do things and find that I can't. I have to work really hard to make specific motions. I've nearly lost my ability to text on my iPhone and typing on my keyboard is becoming increasingly difficult. My fingers and my brain aren't connecting in a way that makes it so I can do what I should be able to do.

I have so many spasms that I'm afraid to handle delicate things made of glass or anything fragile. I throw things when I'm trying to move them or I drop them and lose my grip when I'm simply trying to hold something. I tried to pick up a glass yesterday and I couldn't open my hand and hold it. Today I tried to rip off a piece of foil to cover something with and I was unable to tear it. Instead the entire roll fell out of the box and unraveled on the floor. A couple of days ago I tried to put some leftovers in a bowl and I ended up throwing the bowl on the counter and then I couldn't pick it back up so my Mom had to do it.

Walking is becoming more difficult. I have to focus really hard on where and how I want to move. I have to move slowly in order to get where I want to go. Going up and down stairs actually hurts, which is an awful thing to experience when you live in a 3-story house. Today I missed a stair and ended up on the bottom but couldn't pick up my feet so I just kept kicking the ground.

My brain is able to understand how abnormal it is and what needs to be done to correct the movements but my body can't. I'm having a hard time comprehending my loss of coordinated muscle movements. I'm in my late twenties and I should be able to do these simple things.

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